When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Death is hereditary.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

I like work.  It fascinates me.  I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.                  

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

 I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.

 I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

 Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

My Reality Check bounced.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

 Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.